10 months postpartum. Ten months ago my body birthed a life. A human being. My beautiful son.
Yet, it took this long to write about my postpartum. A period of my motherhood journey I was not ready to revisit. I am now in a better state of mind and more comfortable writing about my experience.
“So how does it feel to be a mother?” “How’s mom’s life going?” These were two questions I often received in the first few weeks of giving birth. My response was always the same, “sleep deprived but very blessed.” To be honest, I didn’t know how to respond and so I stuck to one answer because I was still coming to terms with my new reality.
Up until 5 months postpartum, I was living in my own world. It felt as if everyone and everything around me was moving forward going about their lives and here I was stuck in a bubble where time seemed to have stopped. A world with only me and my son. Giving birth is a transformative experience. My entire life changed. I was learning to take care of a newborn while also discovering a new part of me.
My body took a little more than two months postpartum to completely heal. I had a third-degree tear from delivery. The recovery was painful. I bled heavily beyond the 6 weeks mark. I was relieved to have my body back, but the pain in my pelvic area from the tear and the bleeding didn’t seem to get better. I lost the ability to control my bladder to a point where I leaked many times in the first few weeks. It was frustrating because I didn’t recognize my body. I was waiting for the day I would get better, but the pain seemed like it would never end.
During the recovery period, I couldn’t sit anywhere without my pelvic cushion even in the car. Around four months postpartum, I decided to seek professional help for my pain. I consulted a pelvic floor therapist for the first time. Although in the beginning, it seemed daunting because I was sharing personal details. The sessions were very helpful to a point where my pain was mostly gone. I had to take care of my body to feel somewhat back to my normal self, even though I was still discovering what my new normal was.
The first two weeks after birth was extremely difficult. With a new living situation, I was navigating living with my in-laws while simultaneously caring for a newborn as a new mother. Everything came down at me all at once. I felt out of place and lonely at times because it seemed no one understood what I was going through. On the third day after coming home from the hospital, I went to the bathroom, stared in the mirror and I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying. I reminisced about my previous life. I cried out of confusion. I mourned a loss of identity.
At the same time, my baby captivated me. I looked at him with so much gratitude. Alhamdulilah, all praise be to Him who blessed me with such a beautiful boy, I would repeat at all times. My baby peacefully slept in my arms for the longest time in the early days. I didn’t want to lay him down, all I wanted was to keep him close to me, to hold him, to know him, and to love him.
I decided to breastfeed my son (I’m still breastfeeding), but very little did I know at the time how challenging it would be. Breastfeeding was extremely hard. It shaped a lot of my postpartum journey.
My doula spoke to me a little bit about breastfeeding during pregnancy, but I was so naive because I thought giving the breast would be as easy as lifting up the shirt to give the nipple. I quickly learned it wasn’t as simple. My son was not latching properly, which caused my nipples to bleed. Every time he would feed, it would hurt. It felt like a strong sensation of painful suction every single time. My nipples were very sore, which did not ease the pain.
It felt like my baby was feeding all the time, especially at night (I later learned it’s very normal for newborns to feed often and for longer periods of time). I broke down in tears many times in the middle of the night because my son would feed so much, almost the whole night.
I felt like I lost my freedom. I couldn’t go anywhere. I was stuck in my room with the curtains pulled, eating and sleeping in one place. I felt trapped. It was all getting to me. Sometimes, my son would be with relatives in another room so I could get some rest, but I felt uneasy having him away from me. I needed him close to me for my healing and he needed me most at the time because I was his home, literally.
Even with all the challenges, I persisted with breastfeeding. I kept going because I knew this was the best thing I could offer my child. I am very grateful to my Lord to have given me the ability to breastfeed since not every mother is able to. Many mothers told me it would get better by 6 months because he would start solids. I remember anxiously counting down the days for him to turn 6 months so breastfeeding would lessen. It didn’t, but it did get easier.
My relationship with breastfeeding (until today) is a weird one. The bond my son and I share during feeding sessions is indescribable. The way he looks at me when I feed him expands my heart with so much love. His gaze reminds me I am his world. I give him comfort. I am his safe space. As he’s getting older, he’s becoming more independent. I am not ready to let go of him and want to continue feeding, I want to keep him close to me. But at the same time, I cannot wait until I stop breastfeeding. I am eager to have my body back and to look forward to another chapter with him.
The fourth trimester (postpartum) is very hard. There are always new challenges that come forth. When it seems like one thing is getting better, something else comes up. When the teething phase ends, the sleep regression starts with long sleepless nights. It might appear like it’s a never-ending cycle. Over the past year, I’ve come to learn to embrace these moments as part of my child’s normal growth and development. The more I spend time with my son, the more I observe him, and the better I get to know him which makes it easier to deal with the ups and downs.
I’ve compiled some advice based on my experience with anyone visiting a newborn and a mother during this sensitive time. I also gathered some tips for new moms which helped me get through this period.
For family, friends, and anyone visiting a mother and a baby:
- Always ask permission before holding a newborn
- My son was taken from my arms abruptly without my permission a few times, it felt as if I was being separated from my child especially when it was so sudden. It might be a simple gesture, but it created a greater sense of protectiveness over my baby with others around. So please, always ask a mother before holding or even doing anything with the baby. It’s respectful towards both of them.
- Respect a mother’s decision
- Postpartum is a sensitive period that can define a mother’s behaviour in the long run. It’s so important to respect what a mother wants with her baby, whether it be something as simple as not kissing the baby to not wanting visitors until she’s ready.
- Don’t comment on a mother’s parenting choice
- Right after birth, I received unsolicitated advice. It became very overwhelming because it made me question if I was doing the “right” thing with my son. Many suggested I offer formula alongside breastfeeding. I knew from the start I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but I even doubted this decision. Until now, I receive “advice” yet the underlying tone is judgmental of my ways of doing things.
For a new mom:
- Be gentle with yourself
- There is so much happening right after birth with hormones being all over the place and our bodies recovering. It’s important to be kind to ourselves and patient. Our bodies gave birth to a life. We created a beautiful being with the grace of God. Our bodies went through a transformative experience.
- Communicate and be open with your partner
- It’s so important to communicate your needs with your partner before giving birth. We were both new at being parents and didn’t realize the significance of this sort of communication. It put a lot of strain on our marriage because being sleep deprived and adjusting to a whole human being in our lives impacted our relationship. Communication from the start is key alongside patience and understanding.
- Carve some time for yourself
- Becoming a mother can take a lot of space into who we become as a person. Before carrying the honorary title of a mom, we were our own unique people. It’s important to foster this side of ours because when we take care of ourselves and love ourselves, we can devote ourselves to our children in a healthy way. Whether it is catching up with friends or just taking a few extra minutes to pamper our skin.
My postpartum period was filled with many emotions. I had wonderful people taking care of me, which I’ll forever be grateful for. Yet, there were moments when I felt like I was on a battlefield, constantly in fight mode because I didn’t feel like my choices were respected. This caused me to become protective over my son in certain matters for fear of going back to the state of mind I was during that time.
There are many moments during my son’s newborn stage, which are a blur in my mind. Yet, they shaped me immensely. There were many good days too and so I try to reminisce and remember them as much as I can. Alhamdulilah for everything and alhamdulillah for the person I became.
NOTE: I began writing this post when my son was 10 months old and now mashaAllah he recently turned one. It took so long to put my thoughts into words, but I do hope to bring more awareness to what postpartum might feel and look like.
I included profiles of individuals whose advice and counsel helped me during my postpartum.
Asma P. (Pelvic Physiotherapist) (@physiopourelle)
https://instagram.com/physiopourelle?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Asma The Doula (@asmadoula_)
Thoughts of Nissa 
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