In early December 2020, I found out I was pregnant. I unwrapped the pregnancy stick from its blue packaging and awkwardly peed on it. The instructions read to leave the stick for a minute or two before reading the results, but even before I placed it down I saw the second line turn blue instantly. I was pregnant. I knew it for the past two weeks as I had anxiously been waiting for my periods to arrive. I was bloated, slightly feeling nauseous and my teeth were hurting, which were all early pregnancy symptoms. My husband and I stood in the bathroom looking down at the stick. He was super happy. I was shaking and didn’t know how to feel. I was happy, yet uncertain for how my life would change.

In the upcoming days, I frantically began Googling everything about pregnancy. From the types of food to eat to activities I should avoid. I didn’t feel pregnant in the early days, yet I was reading all about it preparing myself for this journey. I did not feel any sort of emotional connection to the fetus inside of me and the main reason for feeling this way was because there was not much that made me feel pregnant, as in no belly , no movements and no first trimester symptoms like being nauseous. Although I felt this way, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, there was this strong inclination to protect what was growing inside of me. 

At 12 weeks I had my very first ultrasound and from that day everything changed. I walked alone at the clinic where I was directed to a dimly lit room where the ultrasound took place. I had to keep my bladder full and all I was thinking initially was to pee until I saw the black and white image of my uterus on the small screen. There he was. A tiny little bean with a strong heartbeat. I couldn’t believe this tiny human was growing inside of me. I left the clinic feeling excited and happy. Before leaving the parking lot, I sat in my car, took out the ultrasound pictures and stared at them. Tears were flowing down my cheeks as my gratitude and thankfulness towards my Lord increased. Alhamdulilah, I kept repeating to myself because I felt honoured that He blessed me with such a beautiful gift.

As the weeks and months progressed, I embraced this journey and accepted the reality of being pregnant. I was overly excited and everything I did and thought about was concerning the baby. I looked forward to each prenatal appointment to be able to hear the heartbeat of my baby. I anxiously waited for my ultrasound scans to be able to see him again.

The more I progressed in this journey, the more I fell in love with being pregnant. Basically, pregnancy became part of my personality, it became part of me. I loved being pregnant. I loved my pregnant body. As each week progressed, I was fascinated with the growth and capabilities of my body. I was amazed when I read about the transformation taking place from my organs being pushed aside to make place for the baby to the expansion of the uterus more than its normal size. I couldn’t believe my body was growing another human being. It felt surreal. SubhanAllah, He created us in a perfectly measured way. There is no flaw in His creation. 

My husband and I decided not to find out the gender, yet I had a strong feeling it would be a boy. I was not curious at all about finding out the gender, yet my only concern was the health and well being of this child. There were a few concerns during my pregnancy, but alhamdulilah they were soon resolved. Other than these concerns, my pregnancy, overall was a beautiful journey. It was smooth and healthy, alhamdulilah. Throughout my pregnancy, I remained quite active and productive to a point where sometimes I would forget I was pregnant since I had no major symptoms stopping me from my daily activities. The last month and a half became a challenge. I was getting bigger and felt a greater strain on my body. My feet were extremely swollen, making it difficult to walk long distances or continue certain activities. Even though the last days became strenuous, I enjoyed the hardship during this time because I knew it was slowly bringing me closer to my baby.

Earlier I mentioned about not feeling an emotional connection with the fetus, yet as the months progressed, love and affection slowly settled into my heart. The more I observed my belly growing and the stronger my baby’s kicks became, the more it felt real. There was another human being inside of my human body. Life was growing inside me. A heartbeat reminding me of a new human life being formed. 

Before becoming pregnant, I always had this perception about pregnancy where feelings of attachment and love with the baby were instant the moment one finds out they’re expecting. However, going through this journey myself, this wasn’t the reality. It may be for some women, but it was not my experience. It took time for my heart to open to this sort of love. A love where you become attached to someone who you’ve never met. A love that grew slowly each day, with each heartbeat and each movement. Throughout my pregnancy, I reminded myself that just as the Quran was revealed in stages for the message to fully integrate in our hearts instead of its entirety being revealed all at once, I felt the same where love for this baby slowly took over my heart. Alhamdulilah for the beautiful nine months.