I was 12 years old when my mom took me to my room, sat next to me on the bed and with all seriousness spoke to me about menstruation. She made no eye contact, spoke in a low voice and reminded me how I would soon become “older” with the arrival of the first blood stain. The discussion was short and straight to the point.
“Every women gets periods”, my mom reminded my teen self I wouldn’t be going through this alone rather sharing a common experience with several women around me.
I silently listened and nodded to what she told me. Yet inside I was smiling and feeling proud of myself for already knowing about menstruation. At the time, I didn’t have the courage to tell her I knew about it all because I wanted to keep my innocence intact in front of her.
Fast forward to 14 years later, today I am a married woman who entered a whole new reality when it comes to sexual health. Unlike the mention of periods from my mom, I never got the “birds and bees” talk. I was entering a whole new world without any guidance or help. The time between my nikkah and the wedding, Google became my best friend. From searching about contraceptives to pregnancy to the act of intercourse itself, I Googled it all preparing myself for sexual intimacy in marriage. In reality, I was scared and nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or what I was getting myself into. Even before getting into a relationship, I heard about all the horror sex stories. Never once had I heard about a positive and empowering one.
As a community, we put a lot of pressure on the first night and the first time yet when it comes to having open and non-judgmental discussion about sex, we tend to look the other way. In reality, the first night of marriage is not necessarily all about sex and the first time might not even occur the first time a couple tries to have intercourse. This special night is an intimate moment between a husband and a wife. This intimacy can be displayed in several ways whether it be emotionally, physically or even spiritually. I realized the importance of intimacy with my partner only after I got married. This was a whole new world for me and I fell into a spiral of research about this topic within the muslim community.
In our communities, sex and sexual health is a sensitive and taboo subject. I’ve noticed Muslim parents (including my own) tend to keep their children hidden or away from anything remotely close to anything related about sex. We are not meant to talk about it or be exposed to it. This comes from a place of fear that if children are exposed to it, they will dwell in these acts. I see it more this way: the more you talk and educate yourself about it, the better you are at making informed decisions, which in itself becomes empowering. Basically, the more you know the less you have to fear.
Sex education in muslim homes is almost non-existent. Natural bodily changes become taboo to an extent where these discussions are avoided or presented with a false narrative. Menstruation becomes something to be ashamed of and to be hidden from men in the household (e.g. pretending to be fasting while being on your periods during Ramadan). Pregnancy is also meant to be hidden. When children ask questions about where babies come from, parents either scold them for even asking such questions or present an inaccurate version of this reality, like babies fall from the sky. Along these examples, I can list several other instances that occur in muslim homes. I’ve experienced and witnessed many of these.
We fail to understand that in fact sex education is Islamically necessary. Islam recognizes that sex is part of basic human need. We find in our religious scriptures several verses and hadiths discussing healthy and positive sexual aspects, such as sexual needs and matrimonial sexual relationships. The language used to discuss these topics is respectable and modest so both men and women understand the message of sex within the Islamic framework. In repressing sexual needs and in avoiding discussing about them, it may lead to deviation from the rightly guided path and even psychological damage.
Yet, some Muslim parents fail to recognize the importance of holding sexual discussion with an Islamic framework in mind with their children. Some parents feel uncomfortable sending their kids to school where sex education classes take place. In doing so, not only are parents taking away opportunities for children and young teens to learn about their bodies and the physical changes occurring within them, they also strip them away from becoming informed and empowered about their sexual health.
Although schools offer these classes, the spiritual and religious elements on this topic should be brought forward by parents in an open and safe environment. Parents bear responsibility of raising good and well minded Muslims, which includes discussing their religious rights and obligations regarding sex and physical bodily changes. Parents have the ability to influence their children’s sexual behaviours in a positive way when they speak to them about it. With these conversations brings forth honesty, openness and trust between a parent and a child. When these are established from the beginning, children will grow up seeking answers from an Islamic viewpoint instead of exploring answers from a highly sexualized society.
The absence of these discussions in some muslim homes makes it challenging and nerve wrecking when sexual intimacy in marriage becomes a reality for many young muslim couples. For those who experienced trauma, it can be difficult to sexually open up to the other partner. Waves of anxiety and stress can also impact the sexual relationship between a married couple. The lack of proper knowledge about sex in marriage can lead to several issues. Many will seek guidance from friends who are already married or their Google history will be filled with questions about sex.
Some may argue that eventually we all learn about sex and it all works out heck just look at our parents, they figured it out without receiving any sort of education. That is true, we all end up learning the basics of sex when married. However when we are aware about the functionalities of our bodies (e.g. menstruation, puberty, fertility, etc..) and our religious rights and boundaries within an Islamic framework (e.g.rights of husband and wives sexually), we become more empowered and are able to make better informed decisions about our bodies and our sexual health.
In slowly introducing and discussing about bodies, physical touch and eventually sex in an age appropriate manner and language (e.g.offering resources and support), parents can raise confident and informed Muslims when it comes to sex and sexual health. With this approach, our community can flourish in a positive way where Muslims are God minded and remain in the limits of religious framework while also preventing youth to fall into a spiral of sin (e.g.pornography, premarital sex, sexual abuse, etc…).
Now looking at hindsight, I wish I was exposed to sex education from an Islamic perspective from an early age. It would have made me feel more confident about my body and more prepared for marital intimacy. I also want to encourage married couples to share more positive sex stories and the realities of being intimate instead of horrible and exaggerated ones. Sex is not an act to be feared nor to be ashamed of, rather it is a God given right to husbands and wives made to be enjoyable for both in a respectable way. The same applies to learning about our bodies and openly discussing about the many aspects related to sexual health.
Below, I attached links to profiles of Muslim sex educators, Muslim organization offering helpful tips and resources, scholarly articles and books about sex for Muslims.
Links to Instagram profiles of Muslim sex educators:
Angelica Lindsey-Ali (@villageauntie)
https://www.instagram.com/villageauntie/?hl=en
Dr. Shaakira Abdullah (@thehalalsexpert)
https://www.instagram.com/thehalalsexpert/?hl=en
Sameera Qureshi (@sexualhealthformuslims)
https://www.instagram.com/sexualhealthformuslims/?hl=en
A Podcast:
Goldwyn, Liz. “Sahar Prizada: Sex Education & Muslim Faith.” The Sex Ed, 15 May, 2019,
https://www.thesexed.com/blog/2018/12/12/podcast-sahar-prizada
Websites:
For helpful tips and resources, please take a look at the Heart Organization offering support and workshops related to sex education among the Muslim community:
The Sex Ed
Scholarly articles:
Ali-Faisal, Sobia. Crossing Sexual Barriers: Predictors of Sexual Guilt and Sexual Anxiety among Young Canadian and American Muslim Adults. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, vol. 27, no. 3, 2018, pp. 181-94.
Ashraah, Mamdouh M., Gmain, Ibrahim and Al-Shudaifat, Sadeq. Sex Education As Viewed By Islamic Education. European Journal of Scientific Research, vol. 95, no. 1, 2013, pp. 5-16.
https://eis.hu.edu.jo/deanshipfiles/pub106956271.pdf
Books on Sex Education for Muslims:
Janssens, Atia. The Birds and The Bees–Halal Edition. 2019.
Osman, Firoza. How to Talk to Your Muslim Child about Sex. Firoza Osman, 2020.
Thoughts of Nissa 
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