Sexism

Women. Men. Both are created from the same earth. Both are conceived in a womb. Both feel joy. Both love. And both are equal.

How do I begin writing about daughters who are sacrificed for a son’s happiness. How do I express my frustration towards a community that blindly denies and ignores any type of discrimination against women. How do I start talking about the rights of women when they are perceived inferior to men.

Below, I will use my words to voice my anger, my sadness and disappointment towards a society that places women beneath the worth of men. I do hope that my words will provide faith, strength and encouragement to women that are affected by this struggle.

A daughter is born. Can you read her father’s face? Sorrow. Sorrow because she is not a son. But as she grows, her father will realize the value of a daughter. Precious. Caring. Loving. Indeed, a daughter can never be a son. Brown parents place sons above daughters. They pamper their sons. They listen and fulfill every single desire of their sons. Parents cannot bear tears in their son’s eyes. And so they will do everything in their ability to provide for them. They will clear his path so it is easier for him to walk upon. They will facilitate everything for him. Everything.  Sons are so dear to mothers. Mothers will sacrifice everything and anything for their son’s happiness. Fathers will spoil their sons in hopes that some day he will take care of his hard-working father. But when that day arrives, fathers will come to the realization that sons should have learnt to walk on difficult paths. That sons should have learnt to stand on their two feet rather than becoming dependent on their fathers. And what about daughters you may ask? Well daughters belong to another house. Daughters are only guests in the house in which they were born as they shall soon become tied to another name and family. And so there are restrictions placed upon her every movement from being a young child to young adult. Daughters are meant to be controlled. She can never be given too much freedom because she will misuse it. But of course, a son can have freedom and movement because he is a man. A son who will eventually become the head of the family. A son who will pass down the family name. But a daughter will always remain a daughter. Worthless, as she is made to feel.

There is an inherent problem in South Asian communities that needs to be discussed, understood and changed. Sexism. I truly believe that discrimination against women and the idea that men are superior to women is the root cause to many cultural problems in brown communities. Of course several other factors come into play such as economical, political and social aspects. But here, I truly believe that once we start to recognize that men and women are equal and that both are entitled to respect and representation, we can change these unequal practices. We can provide a better life for both men and women, where both feel free and not suffocated. We should first start by recognizing patterns of sexism and discrimination that occur within our own households. Then learn to understand these behaviours within families and communities. And change them. Speak out against them whether that be to parents or friends. Take action. Use your voice.

But where do we start from? We begin with the upbringing of sons. We should change the way we raise our sons. Teach them to take care of themselves. To become independent and not dependent on their mothers or sisters or even wives. Let it start within our own households. Make them do chores. Teach them the value and importance of taking care of their surroundings. Let them become responsible. Men don’t acknowledge women’s efforts. Yet, it is a wife and a sister who is blamed for a man’s behaviour. The woman is perceived as irresponsible for not cleaning up after her father and brother. Why? Because a daughter is being prepared for her next home. Again, her life is tied to marriage. Men have been accustomed to women doing everything for them. They associate certain tasks and behaviours to women and so refuse to take responsibility for their own things. Chores, cleaning and cooking are for women. For men, undertaking these tasks will diminish their masculinity. Men can’t comprehend how much this burden drains women both mentally and physically. Until men don’t understand, until men are not taught to be more compassionate towards women, this cycle will continue. A cycle where women are blamed, diminished and overworked because of men.

To raise a son and even a daughter is not the sole responsibility of a mother. The father plays an immense role, but he always seems to be absent when it comes to the upbringing of children. A mother is blamed if a child turns rebellious or disrespectful. But a father is praised when children are obedient. This perception on the role of a mother and a father in raising children is in itself inherently sexist. It is crucial for both parents to raise a son and a daughter in similar manners with equal responsibilities and freedom. Because when a son is placed above a daughter, when he is given more freedom than her, that son will become like the many men who perceive women inferior to them. Now let me also make it clear that although parents play an immense role in upbringing children, men and even women should realize and learn to see discrimination and change it once they reach an age of maturity. We should change it within our own circles. Especially men. We should actively participate in breaking the chains men have tied to women’s feet. Let us destroy this ideology that regards women less worthy of respect, dignity and compassion than men.

Now, I want to speak about men and brothers who restrict women’s freedom. These men control women’s thoughts and movements. They fear that if they give more freedom than necessary, women will no longer remain under their grip. These are the type of men that tell their sisters not to speak to other guys. These men order their sisters to go inside or cover up when several non-family men are near her. Yet, these men will stare down at a woman if she passes by them. These men will disrespect women. These men will spend time with her but never commit in forming any kind of real relationship. He will leave her. He will leave her for a girl his mother chose for him. These men have no ability to commit. They have no strength to stand up to their mothers and fight for the person they gave false hopes to. These men have ‘dirty minds’ and so they project their own ‘dirty thoughts’ on other men. And for this reason they prevent their sisters and mothers from approaching other men because they perceive every other men as having the same ‘dirty mind’ as them. These men have no respect for women. They don’t value them. They fail to see a woman’s worth. These men are the reason why women are made to feel worthless.

I don’t want to generalize. I know not all men are like this. I acknowledge that many men stand alongside women. They use their voice to fight against all forms of discrimination. But here, I write from my experience. Unfortunately, these are the type of men I am surrounded with. These are the type of men that I grew up around. It took me several years to realize the misfortunes that women bear daily, both within her own household and outside of that space. It breaks my heart knowing that for the longest time these were the men that were and are part of my surroundings. Because of this, I identify myself as a feminist. I am not a feminist because I ‘hate’ men’. No. Feminism is not about ‘hating’ men or placing women above men. It has never been about that and will never be. I am a feminist because I believe in equal rights and equal representation for both men and women. I identify myself as a Muslim feminist. Yes, Islam has given several rights to women, but unfortunately, some Muslims men have taken away these God-given rights away from women. I am a Muslim feminist, because I am fighting to reclaim back the rights that God has given me as a woman. I am a brown feminist, specifically a South Asian woman living in the West. I am a brown feminist, because my struggle as a South Asian woman is different and unique from women of other communities. Yes I am brown, but my struggle as a woman living in the West is completely different from a woman living in India or Pakistan.

I am a Muslim brown feminist. This is my struggle. And I am committed to fight against discrimination of all types against women. I urge both men and women to use your voices against injustice and stand up against this system that has oppressed women. An ideology that has trapped and chained women. Let us stand together to break her chains. Let us use our strength to free her to watch her fly high above. Let’s work together to build an equal and just society for everyone.